When all else fail, I wont.
But I did: to myself.
Words flow inevitably but the right things dont fit coz something’s missing.
I did everything; searched for it, fought for it, but to my demise.
Maybe it wasn’t meant for me, I said.
I tried to be better than everyone but realized im doing it for all the wrong reasons: I should’ve been better for myself.
oh love.
Closet. N. A cabinet or enclosed recess for linens, household supplies, or clothing
Yes friends, I am back and I’m returning with a closet. Sorry for those who have been emailing me asking what happened. I am fine, totally fine. In fact, I wanna share some thoughts I’ve pondered upon this past few days.
A closet, as defined by thefreedictionary.com is a small room (or recess) or cabinet used for storage space and I wish we leave it at that. If you know what I am talking about, 2 stars for you.
Recently, some guy added me on Facebook, someone I do not know personally but knew him months ago through friend connections. He’s gay, let’s say, closet gay. Based on my observations from how he act, how he post stuffs and how he projects himself, that he is having a hard time. Having a hard time as his actions are limited, he should be cautious about how he moves, how he speaks and how he wants people to see him. Thinking about it alone gives me a hard time myself and a lot of uneasiness too.
What to do? According to a study I’ve read before, closet gays tend to be more depressed, unhappy, down in the dumps-type. They feel more alone because they got no one (or maybe limited) to share how they feel to. I believe it shouldn’t be that way.
I say EMBRACE THE GAY. We are all afraid, one way or another. But for PLMe, most of the time, it’s always that one thing: FEAR OF BEING RIDICULED. Fear of being rejected by the society, by people, by their family. What? Seriously? Are we still leaving on that time? I DOUBT IT. I see guys holding hands, I see them embracing each other, and some even, kissing, on the streets. Some might be bothered but the majority? I tell you, DOES NOT EVEN CARE. So why the fear? I’m not promoting PDA, what I’m trying to say is, people nowadays are more receptive to things like this so it shouldn’t be an issue anymore.
EMBRACE THE GAY. Afraid your family might be mad at you? Might mock you, judge you? Reality is, they are actually the people who will have your back when the world throws you and laugh at you because of you being YOU. Have you tried opening up to them? Who knows, they might just be waiting for you to tell them about how you feel? There’s no harm in trying. Trust me on this. Though it might not go well the first time, eventually, they have no choice but to get used to it.
EMBRACE THE GAY. We’re living in a time where people are judged not by who they are but on what they can do and what they have become. You will never be ridiculed if you can prove them wrong, that we are not who they think we are, that we are empowered people. That we are as much equal as anyone setting foot on the ground.
These are just some reasons why you should not hide inside the closet, there’s more to life than just the 4 corners of a dark space. People have already EMBRACED THE GAY, HAVE YOU?
What is it in a brand that we sometimes make it a first priority when buying something.
Most of the people I know are brand conscious. Louis Vuitton here, Louboutin there, Prada everywhere.
Most of the time, we buy it just because of the name, because it looks nice, not because it’s built to last.
Then comes my thought about how this seems similar with relationships. Why are some people more concerned about how someone appeal to them physically and sometimes take for granted those who love them more than anything in the world. Is this how superficial relationships have become?
When i was still in my experimental teen years, Im a hypocrite if I say physical appearance did not matter for
me, it did, in one point of our life (or in some cases, most or all parts of their life). But as i grow old, i realize there is more to relationships than just physical attraction. But why are most people still stuck on their experimental stage? And you’ll ask what the freakin hell is wrong with you?
This, most of the time, is the answer why most of us feel not contented, the reason why most relationships fail. Coz we are not contented, we look for more, just like a brand that changes their line every season. But hey, do we realize its wrong? I bet my arse most of us do not.
On the other hand, there are some who are blessed to find the perfect fit of stilletoes for them. I am more than happy for these people. They are the ones who are contented with what they have, have learned to appreciate their better half, no matter which season it is. I salute you people.
After writing this, i realized, am I still left on my experimental stage? Do i really prefer someone who will just look good beside me or do I choose someone who will last?
And then I will ask, in this brand conscious world of relationships, which brand are you?
Dear love,
I know I haven’t met you yet, or if we had the chance to meet before and just need to part ways, this letter is for you. I am in my room now, looking at the stars, thinking about how beautiful this night is and how more beautiful it could be if you are beside me. But I’m not in a hurry to meet you, take all the time you want. I know if the time is right, we’ll have more moments like this: more nights to see, more feelings to share. I know now, that patience is my best weapon, against wearying, against loss of confidence, against everything.
While you are gone, I am learning to love myself so when you arrive, rest assured that I can be yours wholly. I am not perfect, but I will try to be the best for you so both our wait will not go to waste. I can’t promise to be with you forever, but I will stay until life allows me to.
You might say I’m cheesy but no, everything I’m writing comes from my heart for you, whoever you are. I know I deserve you, and deep in my heart I know Im worthy of your time, your feeling, your love. Our relationship will never be perfect, but it will be worth the while. We might not have the perfect life, but we’ll make it worthy of living: with each other.
So wherever you are right now, you are on the perfect place, perfect time, and somewhere down the road, our path will join and meet. I promise I’ll hold your hand and won’t let go.
I LOVE YOU.
PS. Please take care of yourself coz I wont be there for you, YET.
I am constantly looking at his Facebook page not just because I wanna know what he is doing but mostly because I want to see him go from IN A RELATIONSHIP to being SINGLE. I do not mean any harm, neither do i do something that stops him from whatever he wanna do. It’s just me, wishfully thinking.
Call me bad or whatever you want to. Hopeless romantic. I really dont know what got into me to be so much into him. Im sorry. I blurt nonsense things when I think about him. So imagine me talking to him (which happens rarely). I even have his memory inked on me. But I’m too shy to admit it because, I dont know, something is stopping me: even that, i do not know what. Stupidity, foolishness, whatever this may be, i know it’s because of one thing: LOVE. As J. Hudson puts it, If this aint love, tell me what it is.
Here I am again. Staring at a blank page. I don’t know where to start but there’s one thing I am sure of: after months, years of everything, I’m sure he’s the only one who can make me feel this way. We knew each other years back but were only given milimoments to talk. Life isn’t fair.
I’m changing for the better: one step at a time. After that night with him, (t’was months back) I know, it’s only him my heart beats for. Call me cheesy or whatever you want to but hey, I’m struck by love’s arrow. And I know no matter how many relationships he’ve had, I’ll still be here waiting for him. I know he doesn’t know about how strong my feelings are but hey, this is something real. I don’t care if he’s in a relationship now or if he’ll be in two or gazillion more relationships. I’m changing for the better: a better me, so that when I get back, he can at least have a reason to consider.
Oh shoot. I’m totally pointless. Or am I just really in love? I dunno. HELP. 
Well, this might be it. I’m crazy in love and I can’t do anything about it. YET. I know I am one with the Greeks who believe in soul mates. I already know who mine is. I just need to wait for it. We can go play and do whatever we wanna do with our lives now. But some time, somewhat, somehow, I’m wishing that at the end of the road we are now travelling distance apart lays a road cropped by destiny for us to travel together. I hope. I wish. I love you though you don’t know.
I dare you to let me be your one and only. Promise I’m worth it to hold in hold your arms.
And you thought you’ll always be on the top of the gay hierarchy only to realize that you’ve fallen to square one. What happened? Your super hottie CLASS A boyfriend just left you for someone not even half of who you are. You know what I mean.
I am receiving emails from friends and random people who have experienced this. So here’s my answer to all o’yo emails guys. What say me?
MOVE ON.
Yes. As simple as that. There’s no point in winning him back. In the first place, why will he choose someone FUGLY if it’s not true love? Wake up. Walk away. That’s the best thing to do. Go grab a nice warm bath, wash away what’s left from that filthy bastard’s stench.
And of course, lonely you thought: “Hey, he’s a good catch! I’ll still keep my hopes up.” Puh-lease. One month, two months, one year and you’ll realize, your life is still revolving around his. He’s a good catch yeah? Well my friend, YOU ARE TOO. You just have to embrace it. You don’t need someone good looking to define how good-a-person you are. All you need is yourself, a bag of faith and a pack of patience.
YES. He might be more of a Mr. Right-now rather than Mr. Right, but look at the bright side brotha! Your Mr. Right is still out there somewhere waiting for you. Just extend your strand of patience and just let yourself shine. Hahah. Okay. That was uber gay. What I mean is, YOU are UNIQUE. You are your own cherry on top of the ice cream. So stop thinking that you are a nobody because you aren’t. You’re someone’s SOMEBODY, like it or not. And please, if he’s CLASS A, you can be CLASS AA or AAA. No one’s stopping you. That’s where self improvement gets in the picture.
REFLECT REFLECT. Use this experience as a guide for your future relationship. What went wrong? Was it your fault? Were you lacking something? What didn’t he like about you? Answer this as honest as possible and use it as your guide on the whats and what nots on your next boyfie.
It’s not that easy isn’t it? Who said it’ll be? Well, that’s part of a gay’s life. Because admit it or not, men are polygamous. We can’t be contented with what we have. There are just some people (rare) who know how to value a partner and a relationship. So do whatever you like to just for you to be able to move on. Go out with friends often, cry your heart out, go to the movies, we all have our own self-therapy. Just make sure that after this stage, you’ll go and face the world anew: without his shadow casting on you. You’re too valuable to just be an option.
Okay na?
Then SMILE.
xoxo,
B
Love is waking up next to the man you know you are going to be with for the rest of your life for the first time
Guy meets guy. Guy likes guy. They had sex then they fell in love. Yes? Might be. Might not.
Everybody has their own perfect love story to tell or is dreaming for one. And yes, I am one of ‘em people. They say nothing is impossible as long as you’re aiming for it. I say do not be in a hurry: move towards it even if it means taking small steps. You’ll get there eventually.
I got the inspiration to write this after running thru my inbox on an APP in my phone. (It’s an application called JACK’D for PLMe) On one message, JUNO K asked me: “Keen?” (this is a Singlish-gay-slang for “INTERESTED?”) I responded: “Yes, care to be friends?” He said: “FUN, CAN?” then I erased his message. You see what’s wrong with the picture? YES. YES. I know. I see it too. BOOTY CALL.
For most of us, me included, sex is a part of our relationship. ADMIT IT. or not. But what I hate about it is that sometimes, gay guys doesn’t even know the fine line between love and sex. Some even substitute one for the other. Which is the part where it gets scary. Some people get hurt and others, worse. So people, OPEN YOUR EYES. BOOTY CALL aint no LOVE CALL.
So going back, where am I? Oh, the love story. Okay.
“Hey close friend, I think I’m in love with you.”
Yeap. You’ve read it right. I believe that most successful relationships are built on friendship. That way, they will be able to get to know each other first before taking it up a notch. After thorough observations, I’ve come up with two types of the friendship-turned-love relationships. Here are two scenarios:
SCENARIO 1: Guy befriends guy wherein he has an ulterior motive besides friendship.
SCENARIO 2: Guy befriends guy because he genuinely wants to be his friend.
With the two scenarios, I think the later will work better. Imagine someone who knows you for who you are, someone who likes your barf, your laugh, the mole on your nose, who picks on you sometimes to love you for all that? That must be some heck’a love. I might be a little exaggerating but I only speak of possibilities. It can happen.
So there’s still hope for me and for PLMe who’s dreaming for the same. We (might) have yet to discover that our love-in-shining-armor is among our friends we go out with most of the time, or someone who’s been there through our down moments. Both of you might not know it yet, but hey, again, it’s not impossible.
For all the single people out there. Just hold on. Just be happy for what we have now. They say you wont be happy in a relationship if you’re not happy being single. Well I am a happy single so whatdaeff? Bring it on, suckers!
I will just be waiting for my love. Ni jiangyao shouhou ni wu lian’ai.
Dear Boy,
I feel lonely so I wrote a letter for you. I feel it is the right time for me to be happy again.Though I don’t look as good as Brad or Leonardo, the mole on my nose perfectly fits the space. I hope you would like me because I am me and not just because I am liked by the majority. Please also understand that I have tendencies in forgetting dates so spare me if I missed a special day.
Don’t expect me to play basketball like those gym-fit guys, I’m contented with cuddling and wrestling with you. I may not have the perfect body but I assure you, I am as healthy as Manny Pacquiao.
I pray that you’ll love me despite the fact that I am strong outside but the truth is I am shaking to death. Please understand that if I ask for your time, I just want to be with you.
I hope you don’t think I’m asking too much from you. I just want you to know the real me. I’m contented seeing you happy. I’m going to find you, so don’t go anywhere. Stay where you are, in time, i’ll reach you. By the way, my name is Brixx. I know we’ll meet soon.
Kisses,
B
THOUGHTS OF A RANDOM AUTARKIC SOUL 