X and Y. LOST LOVE. LOST SOUL.

Posted: November 16, 2009 in POETRY
Tags: , , ,

At natapos ang binuo nila sa walong taon sa ganoong kabilis na usapan. Alam nilang parehas silang nagsisinungaling. Na parehas silang nasasaktan. Na parehas lang silang naghihintay. No one’s just strong enough to fight for how they feel.

For the sake of anonimity, let’s just name the characters X and Y. Parang Math equation. Solve for X by replacing Y. Something like that. X will be the girl and Y will be the guy. Here goes.

Y knows X. Alam niyang nagbubuo lang ng istorya si X to feel good and to make him believe that she’s really up with something. Alam ni Y kung paano tumakbo ang isip ni X. How she copes up with everything. Kaya’t alam niya kung paano magrereact si X sa mga sinasabi niya.

Let’s know some things about Y first. Siya yung normal na happy-go-lucky na lalake na makakasalubong mo sa kalsada araw-araw. A normal guy on a crowd. But if there’s one thing people should know about him, it’s that he is in love. He is so in love.

Nakilala niya si X sa isang random dating site na ginawa para sa kaniya ng pakialamera niyang bestfriend. He never tried that thing before, so the first time he knew about it, before he can even think, he just realized he’s already dressed up for his first date. Ganun siya ka-happy-go-lucky. At hindi siya nagkamali. X’s perfect, he said. Her height, her skin, the way her chinita eyes were placed on her rounded face, perfect.

Let’s not talk about Y. Let’s check out X. People close to her knows her as the “softspoken probinsyana.” Siya na ata nag perfect epitome ng “hindi makabasag pinggag”-type of girl. She’s the type na isang tanong isang sagot. But what people don’t like about her is that she is very secretive and does things unexpected from her. Things that are very random.

The first time she saw Y, she thought, “OK, not bad”. Her first criteria for a new boyfriend? “Can I be seen with him out on public?” alam na natin kung pumasa ba si Y. They exchanged digits on the first date. Nice start.

The first date turned out okay. Narealize nila na okay ang isa’t-isa so not long after that, they decided to be a couple. They really were genuinely happy sa piling ng isa’t-isa. Alam nilang they’re meant to be together. And they know nothing could go wrong.

The first year of their relationshi was very smoothsailing. Nadiscover nila ang maraming bagay tungkol sa isa’t-isa. Y found out that the soft-spoken X also has her own share of weaknesses. She’s afraid of insects, specially cockroaches. She doesn’t eat veggies that much and that she is a compulsive smoker. But of all the things he doesn’t want about her, yun ang patuloy na pakikipagkita ni X sa ibang lalake though they are already together.

Y thought that it’s fine. He said that eventhough she’s seeing other guys, what’s important is at the end of the day, she comes back to him. Yes people, may pagkamartyr tlaga si Y. Pakiramdam niya, that is what happy-go-lucky is for X, so hinahayaan niya lang. X perfectly knows the situation. She knows that Y understands him. Her scapegoat? She said she’s young. She still do quirky stuffs at sabi niya pa, she’s still on the discovery phase. Hinayaan lang ni Y coz he said, he’s been there. He’s 19 before and he exactly know how a 19 year old will act. So what he did was to prepare for whatever’s gonna happen. Much to his surprise, nothing odd happened. So he thought the situation’s fine. They can just continue what they’re in right now. If only he knew what’s gonna happen, he would’ve thought about everything again.

Second year, third year. Nothing’s changed. They’re still the same old couple deeply in love with each other. Shared birthdays together, went out of town together, finally had the chance to meer each other’s family and what’s happy about the fourth year? Nagplano silang magpakasal. For real. Y was really happy coz it was X who proposed for them to get married. Without any second thought, Y said yes. He never thought that this is how their engagement will be. They decided to get married seven months fter the engagement. What’s strange is, before they even get married, X said she’s pregnant. Everbody saw it coming. Pero hindi si X and Y. They are not prepared to have a baby yet, specially X. She knows for a fact that she’ll never be a good mother. They even consider to abort the baby or to put the baby for adoption, at least. They are both afraid that they are not yet ready to add a member to their little family.

After considering lots of things, they decided to be parents and eventually, late January the next year, nanganak si X. It’s a boy. Lat’s just name him Z. Z’s a very cute baby. He look like his mom so much. Specially his curly hair. He grew up very fast. Three years later, he’s ready for school. Though Z’s developed and learned lots of things, X and Y’s case remains the same. X still goes out with random guys, even some of them are Y’s friends. He confronted her once regarding the issue. X said she’ll change. She did. Pero more often then not, hindi pa rin niya maiwasan. Alam niyang nasasaktan niya si Y. Hinayaan niya lang coz she knows that he understands everything. And that he’ll accept her no matter what. That’s what she thought.
Y reached his breaking point on the fourth year. He fooled himself in believing that X’s gonna change. Even the slightest hint that she’ll change, hindi nakita ni Y. The day after her birthday, he decided that he’ll end up the relationship. Alam niyang walang nangyayari. He knows that she’ll never change. But he was caught off guard when X asked him to marry her. Akala niya, this is the change that he’s waiting for. He should’ve thought twice again. Wrong turn.

They got married, and as we all know, X got pregnant. They became good parents to Z, specially Y. He thinks he’s the greates dad in the world. After work, Z’s smile makes all his worries fade. Just a smile from Z and he’s ready to face another tiring day. He can’t even forget Z’s first word, DADA. They hired a nanny because X is always out with her amigas. Mas mahaba pa ang tiime niya sa pakikipagtsismisan sa mga kumare niya kaysa sa pag-aalaga kay Z. Good thing laging nasa bahay nila ang kapatid ni X. She took care of Z kapag wala ang mga magulang niya.

That issue became the reason for X and Y’s fights almost every night. Until all of a sudden, the unexpected happened. On their 8th year, Z’s 4th birthday, X finally decided to tell Y the truth: Z’s not their son. He’s her son to some random guy. She even has no idea who the father is. Y don’t even know what to say and how to react. The son he has learned to love ofr four years is not his.Z’s just a no one to him. He’s not the real father. Pakiramdam niya ay pinagsakluban s ng langit at lupa, That’s the only time he figured things out: X’s random date with guys, the unexpected engagement, the childbirth. The puzzle on his mind was instantly solved by X’s revelation.

……

lostlove

…………

……

Six months after the incident, X and Y decided to talk.

Y left the country for soul searching. He knew it’s hard for him. Alam niyang wala siyang lugar sa pamilyang yun because the child was never his in the first place. He tried to move on kahit alam niyang mahirap. He received the news that X has been looking for him for quite some time but gave up days later. After he returned, he learned that she’s already with someone. Of course, it’s hard for him to accept that. But what can he do? He tried to contact her and after several tries, she responded to his messages.

When Y left, X felt miserable. She know what she did was wrong and very unfair. Takot lang siya. Takot siyang iwanan siya ni Y. Mahal niya si Y. mahal na mahal. The only problem is, she still cant stop seeing other guys. She knows for a fact that though she’s going out with guys, at the end of the day, Y’s still at home waiting for her. But that event was different. She told herself that if Y will be accepting her after her last stint, after telling him the truth about Z, if Y will understand, that will be the time she’ll surrender completely to Y’s arms. But her expectations turned out otherwise. She thought she knew Y. What she forgot is that Y also has a breaking point like most of the people. This one event is the peak of their relationship. She know that Y left that same day. What she doesn’t know is that Y’s not planning to return anytime soon. X tried to look for him. Nagtanong siya sa mga kakilala nila ni Y but no one’s giving her answers. They really have no idea. After several attempts, she gave up. What’s funny is after a couple of days, she already has another guy. She already moved on. Or so she thought.

Six months after that incident, X received a message from an unknown number. In the message it said, “Hi, been missing you and Z lately. How’s everything? I hope you and Z are doing good. Been gone for quite some time -Y”. She doesn’t know how to react. She immediately erased the message. Several days later, she received another message, “I hope everything’s fine there”. Again, she erased the messgae. She knew who sent it. She really have no idea what to do. She thinks she’s already happy with her someone right now. Sh’e making herself believe that she’s genuinely happy and is contented with her life now. Without Y on it. Pinipilit niya. Pero hindi iyon ang sinasabi ng puso niya. So the third instance she received a message from that same number, she responded.

“Let’s talk. I want everything between us cleared and done.”

They decided to see each other on their favorite local resto where they use to hang out when they were still together. Awkward silence was inevitable. Walang gustong magsalita. After some time, Y started talking.

Y: How are you doing?
X: Everything in my life is good. Not until after you showed up.
Y: What’s the matter?
X: You ruined everything, I’m trying to be happy now, without you.
Y: I also am. I just want some closure or something.

(Another moment of silence)

X: What do you want from me?
Y: I want you back. I want to be back to normal. And by normal I
mean having you and Z back in my life again.
X: Stop it! Don’t mess up my life! We’re fine now even without you.And for the record, I don’t want anything that has to do with you.

Then she walked out, habang si Y ay naiwang nakatulala. Di niya alam na tumutulo na ang mga luha niya. Ang mga luha nilang dalawa. Alam ni X na mali ang ginawa niya. Na nahihirapan din siya. What she knows is that she’s doing the right decision. Para sa ikabubuti nilang dalawa ni Y. X has really no idea why she said those things. Maybe this is just one of her randomness. She believes that Y will come back for her. She knows he will. And that all she needs to do is to be ready when he’s back.

After that incident, Y said to himself he’ll just keep waiting until X realize that she needs him in her life. His life still revolves around her without X knowing. Every decision he makes, it’s always connected with X. He sacrificed a lot because he believes that one day, X will be returning to him.

So what we have now are two souls waiting to be to be found again. One waiting for love and one waiting to be loved. But just like all the other stories, this also have an ending. And this one ends with the beginning of this story. (If you’re not getting me, try reading the first paragraph again.)

Sad but true, most of us are just waiting to be loved. But what I learned is that we have to do our own share in our story so we can find what we are looking for. We have our soulmatesthere somewhere. We’ll find them sooner or later. But then again, we should not just wait, we should also do something. By the way, did I tell you that I am Y? =)

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